i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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