I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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