I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
