my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
