Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
