I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
