I faked an abortion last night.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
