you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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