I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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