sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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