uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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