i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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