i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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