She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
