This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
