Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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