I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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