grandma shit on top of the toilet
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
