Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
