Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize