Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
