I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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