Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
