Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
