Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
