Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
