I just saw a hot homeless man
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
