ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
