I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
