Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
