woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
