U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
