This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
