Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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