Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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