I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
