I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
