but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
