Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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