Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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