my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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