Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
