I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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