I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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