I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
