I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
