Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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