This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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