he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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