I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
