Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
