You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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