I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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