You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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