Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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