I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
