Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
