he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
