Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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