The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
