Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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