I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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