Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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