If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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